Thursday, April 12, 2012

Ten Steps to Surviving the Zombie Apocalypse

1. Take cover: There is absolutely no sense in thinking that out running this disease is even an option.  Your best bet is to get to high ground where access is minimal.  If eliminating access is possible, do so immediately.

2. Barricade your ass inside: If destroying all possible entrances is not an option, which is probably isn't for most, at least not in a manner quick enough to prevent your imminent death, use every heavy thing you can get your hands on to barricade all doors.  The more stuff, the better.

3.  Board up those windows:  If you don't have ply wood laying around just unhinge a door, break it up, and nail it to each window, or at least most of them.  You can also use dresser drawers or cupboard doors for this. Use your imagination.

4. Hide your kids, hide your wife, and hide your husband cause they're biting everybody out here:  Ensure that one window has a small crack you can see out of so you will know if/when an attack is coming.  Set up a scheduled "watch"(everyone can have a turn) to make sure you are aware of whats going on outside at all times. Make sure everyone else is quietly hidden away, keep the kids away from any windows and/or doors.  No music, no television, and no radio on except on the lowest possible volume level.  If your doors aren't barricaded very well you don't want any zombies hearing you from miles (or inches) away. Of course, depending on where we are in the over-throw of the human race, we may not even have power to worry about things like TV and radio. Unless you have a battery operated radio, in which case you would be smart and fortunate.

5.  Check the food:  If you're going to out last the initial infection and mass chaos you will need a substantial amount of will power and very little food.  A human being can survive on one table spoon of honey a day for a very, very long time.  Take stock of all the food you have in the house.  Divide the list up into perishable and non-perishables.  You and your family will want to eat the things with expiration dates first, obviously, and save canned and dry things for when things start to get really hard. Also, if the water is still working, it may be prudent to take as many empty bottles, pitchers, and buckets you have around the house and fill them.  Store the containers in a safe and clean place.  Begin rationing the water as you ration the food.

6.  Check the supplies:  Next, take stock of the essentials- maps, flashlights, batteries, matches, any other fire starting apparatuses, candles, torches, and weaponry + amo.  Be creative in the weaponry department. Screw drivers make good weapons. Crowbars, tire irons, baseball bats, gardening tools, hammers etc. It doesn't have to be a gun. While they can be helpful, they are also very loud and can draw unwanted attention. Only use the guns in an emergency. Put all the weapons in one central location.

7. Train the young and the weak: If there is time, teach the smaller children (or anyone in your family/group who doesn't know) where to aim when killing a zombie - always the head and more specifically the brain.  If there isn't time, make time. Help them to become comfortable handling a hammer or whatever their weapon of choice is.  It may seem crude and extreme but they'll thank you for it if your hiding place is over run.  Have them practice wielding their weapon on a pillow or something similar.  You can even draw a little face with eyes on it and encourage them to aim through the eyes.  It's unlikely that a child will have the strength to crush a skull but if they have good aim they can still penetrate the zombie's brain through the eye socket. 

8. Wait:  As I mention above, it is highly unlikely that all the morons who run for it will 1. Have any place to run. Soon no where will be safe. 2. Get very far because every one will trying to run some place safe. The roads will be jammed, there will be accidents, mass killings, not many really know what the zombies look like yet, everyone is a suspect, anyone could be bitten, anyone could bite.  Wait for the initial madness to die down.  This may take several weeks or months of utter hysteria. You may notice less and less zombies walking by day after day.  Eventually it may just come down to the fact that you've run out of water or food.  You'll have to see what's left of the world to know if/how long you can survive.

9. Go in groups: You will have to send a small scouting group out to see whats going on in the neighborhood as far as zombie/human activity.  Never let anyone leave your safe place alone UNLESS they are being backed up by some one at the house with a gun with some sort of long distance shooting capabilities. Have the scouts come back after they have checked out the neighbors homes and the surrounding areas. Bring out the map you found in step 6 and plan the quickest but back alliest route to two (if possible) places: 1. A grocery store that also has a gas station and a pharmacy (if places such as these do not exist where you are, that really sucks and you're going to have to plan 4 trips instead) 2. the nearest place that might have copious amounts of weaponry (this could be the fire department, there might be a military base in your town, or an armory but a police station probably the easiest to get into and probably the least likely to be over run as not as many people work there compared to an armory or a military base).  Take the quietest and fastest vehicle you possess and hit the road. Stock up on as many/much antibiotics, bandages, gauze,  triple antibiotic ointment, peroxide, alcohol and things that will mean the difference between dying of a cut and surviving due to the proper meds.  You should be able to find gas cans at the store, fill them up and save as much as you can. 

10.  Staying alive:  Finding the least over run and the most convenient location to make your runs may take a fair amount of trial and error but you'll figure it out.  Make sure to always stay stocked up on the essentials (water, non-perishable food items, a weapon, a source of fire).  It is good to have a "Just in case" plan for emergencies, maybe even a few different plans depending on the emergency (in case the zombies get in, in case we're over run, in case the remaining government starts bombing the city to get rid of the problem, in case one of us is bitten, etc).  You'll want to have an agreed upon location to meet up in case the group gets separated and enough food and water to last you until you can figure out a new plan and a new home. Go over the plan with the group at least once a day to make sure every one is clear on the details. Everyone should also have an emergency bag packed and ready to grab at a moments notice with a week's worth of food, water and weapon in it.